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So this something I wrote to myself on my commute to class on the train from a few weeks ago.It is a little random and it has swears, but I think it will be worth the read. Let me know what you think!!!
I have lived a life without having to suffer any real tragedies. No big, life-altering events that would stay with me forever. For some reason though, I have this feeling of loneliness within myself. Every so often in the pit of my stomach I get this anxious feeling that something is missing from my life or from myself. I personally have a positive attitude about life and everything that encompasses it, but when I am alone something just seems to be missing. Lets set the record straight here, there are no suicidal thoughts here and there never will be. I don’t even think you can call this depression. Rather this is just a young soul trying to figure out what the hell he is exactly doing. I get that this is not an original thought, rather it’s a path every individual goes down at some point in their lives.
I mean I have no real talents or no big achievements under my belt. I mean for Gods sake I am already 23! There’s multimillionaires out there that are younger than me. There are people out there living out their dreams and accomplishing things left and right. So what is my excuse? I have these strong urges to do incredible things but sadly they die out as soon as they are born. Am I just one of those “all talk, no action” individuals? What does one need to do to get that motivation to reach the next stage? Whether or not I would like to admit this, but I know there is an apathy within me and that is the God damned truth.
As being the youngest I have always been the baby of the family and my parents have raised me as such. I have had no real responsibilities growing up and have pretty much coasted through my young life. But there is an expiration date on which you can blame your parents. I need to take charge and assert myself in every single aspect of my life, because lets face it, this one issue has affected me in every single area of my life.
But where does this motivation of completely altering myself come from? I mean to entirely change ones self is a process, you can’t undo 23 years of apathy in a single moment or action can you? Well, why not? We live life by a set of rules either ones that have been established by “society” throughout the years or some we just make up ourselves. (But lets be honest it’s still society talking.) We humans are amazing! Our minds are amazing! We are capable of so much but most of us don’t even unearth 10% of it. We get sucked in to this black hole or zone of content and comfort and we just settle in there for the rest of our lives. I am one of those people. I am exactly what I hate, what I despise and what I fear. Maybe this is the reason for my despair and loneliness. I still don’t know myself. I have this picture of what I want to be or hope to be but I am not even close to it. I have let myself believe that I am something that I am not.
Now my life is good but I am not truly happy because I feel like I am just wasting away. The minutes are passing me by like strangers on the street. Given such a precious gift as life and here I am squandering it away. I know you think that I am being dramatic or I am romanticizing the situation. Tell me honestly though, how many people in the history of the world made the most of their time? How many lives were spent living for others? How many people settled for what they got? How many dreams went unfulfilled?
I am not saying that I crave to be famous or rich or anything of that nature. I just want to live a worthwhile life that I can be proud of. And right now, I am not proud. Because I know I have so much more potential and I can take myself to a greater place. I need to light a fire within myself that no one will be able to extinguish, not even me. A fire of passion, that will burn to the sky.
Knowing your faults and failures will and can take you to an amazing place. It is important to know yourself fully and completely. Sitting on this train to Chicago I have accepted that I have failed so far in my life. I have let the apathy take full control and make me numb. I know this and it is up to me to pull myself out of this shit daze of a life.
Hopefully just writing all of this down and making myself think, write and read this will be the trigger to escape my comfort zone. Wake up! Do something! Do what you want!
For example when you saw that cute girl at Starbucks, why didn’t you go up and talk to her? This fear of everything will get you no where! Once you conquer your fear, you will feel liberated and you know this to be true. Life is short, fear has no place here. This fear will hold you back, and you do not want the comfort zone anymore. Take that anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach and kick it out! There is no vacancy anymore, not for fear. Just take the leap man, it might be scary at first but that rush afterwards will be worth it. Apply this everything, and believe in yourself. You aren’t a baby anymore. You are capable of a lot, just lose the fear and see where you end up. Confidence is the motherfucking key.
So when opportunity knocks, open the damn door because there is a good chance you won’t hear another knock for a while. You should try to experience as much as you can because even bad experiences help us grow, probably more so than the good. Get what you can when you can.
Take risks, everything will be fine.
Until next time ~Peace, Love & Respect~